I have been doing a little reminiscing. Of what had happened. One time, I was a sniffling little kid facing the new challenge of going to a new school called Maktab SOAS, and now… I am working with a position that I may have never thought I would be when I was younger. Back then, everything seemed more simple, so fun and care-free. *sigh* I do know that there were trouble during those times, but at least I didn’t really thought about it that much.
It has been 11 years since that day and I still can not believe that I have gotten this far. My life has been turned around and upside down….
I met many people along the way in the journey of my life. I made many friends, and lost almost all of them throughout my course. I could only recollect only 2 or 3 who remain close. Others have other faded away or moved on with their lives, paths that go in the opposite direction to mine.
Let me take a person for an example. This friend of mine has been around for an even 12 years or so. I met him in school. We were in the same class for 5 years, being close for an odd 7 years before drifting apart. The late 90s were the time. I would go to his place and spend time there… hanging around and talk. Now, I look back and realize, those times are the only things that I could hold onto, as the things that I enjoy most of my youth.
I lost friends not only through differing destiny, but through death. I lost several… among those is a best friends and cousin whom I can never replace. Always there, been with me through the thick and thin, giving brotherly advice when I was down and keeping my hopes up for the next day.
I go through life in my own way now. I once thought that I would never end up the way I am. I guess I have to live with the consequences of my choices in the past. Just like many of us do. I simply could not go back in time. If I could, I would change 3 things that would entirely change who I am now. I can’t explain what they are, but those decisions are the main reason to why I am here.
I stand and look at myself in the mirror now, and there are times when I don’t even recognize the person staring back at me. This is not the man who I once was, nor is he the man I thought I would be.
People proclaimed that I have a lucky life. Living the life that I want and dreamed of, don’t they realize the pain that I have gone through? I am not as strong as you all think I am. I am just an average person, with average abilities and capabilities.
And yet, I am still here. I close my eyes, hoping that this is all a dream that I will wake up as the kid going to school in 1995, but I don’t. I am still here. In my solitude, in my despair. As I reminisce again through my thoughts of memories and through my collection of have been, I shed a silent tear. I never wanted it to end up like this. A peaceful life that is all I wanted. But that is just something that I could never have.
I had dreams of becoming someone, but not the person I am now. No, who I am now was far from what I wanted to be. But in the end… I am here.
It hurts, for not only have I lost friends, I also lost the understanding of the emotion known as love. Love, is such a sad proclamation of a weak emotion. Yet, everybody seems to yearn for it. To need it and long for it. *sigh* I seem to forget the feeling of that. Haha~ It’s useless. Every time I open up my heart, It always ends up being hurt and torn all apart.
All I reminisce, is here. The thoughts of a dissatisfied man. The thoughts of a Sarcastic joker.
posted at 9:52 PM by Retrogade: Ikizawa 912.
